Just a way to vent really quick

Now let me start off by saying; I’m not planning on using this platform for venting all of my problems, but I’m also not going to turn to Facebook where everyone knows me and my family, that would be passively dramatic and stupid.

Nothing I do or say ever has or will matter in my entire life according to my parents.  I can’t make my own judgement calls, I can’t make decisions, I can’t do things.  If I have any opinions, they’re automatically considered obsolete regardless of reason.  

Growing up, (I’ll attempt to keep this short) I had an abusive childhood, not as bad as some, but still abusive.  Now when I say this I don’t mean I was beaten and locked in a closet to be raped and starved, this was mostly verbal and emotional abuse.  Although, on occasion my mother would hit me from time to time, and she couldn’t spend over an hour without screaming bloody murder and flipping off every person who makes a mistake on the road whilst accusing her fifth husband of looking at every girl in their vicinity and glaring at them, making a scene.  Needless to say, this affected both me and my emotions.  

I later moved in with my father at the age of 12, and since I was used to being set free to do anything and roam the streets, I rebelled.. Hard.  My father put me in online school and blocked all “fun” websites unrelated to school (i.e. facebook, twitter, addictinggames, and everything in between) from 8:00am to 5:00pm, of course I hated that and I was going through my cringey emo phase and I would sneak out at night and just.. walk around with friends (ooh I know I’m so bad) and even attempted to run away a few times, all ending in my father finding me.

I eventually developed common sense and stopped, realising this wasn’t bad.  Fast forward to now, I’m just on the verge of turning 18, of course the Internet is no longer blocked, and I have my GED hoping to go to college to further my education.  Well, now I visit my mother very scarcely and have found that her awful husband has brainwashed her into believing in every conspiracy theory out there and they’re both just short of wearing tinfoil hats.  Yeah, she’s a bitch but I still don’t want her to be crazy, but she had told me that I had a trust fund, so I pursued it, just to later find that it had somehow “expired”.  If you knew her, you’d know it wouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if she had taken all of the money out, spending it on herself.

That leaves me in the situation I’m in now.  Jobless, stressed, rapidly applying to every job I can find all the while my parents (when I say parents I’m referring to my father and step mother) are nagging me, yelling at me, saying how I never do anything, and all I ever do is try to find ways to make money or find some sort of job, but they don’t see that.  All they choose to see is me sitting playing games all day while they never ask any sort of questions and just assume.  

Recently my step mother and I have agreed to start a business of a sort in artistic pursuits, and I’ve been painting, knitting, crocheting, crafting, DIYing and decorating with every moment of my free time in hopes to turn it into profit for our business.

For a few years now they’ve decided to have a time restraint on when I needed to get my chores done, 5:30.  To this day I cannot understand how it matters if I get my chores done before any time as long as it’s done before the end of the day, it clearly isn’t a big deal.  So occasionally I will put my laundry under my blankets while I’m working on my paintings, knitting, etc., and plan on doing the chore later on in the day and hoping to avoid confrontation.  Today, however, after my father finding my stash of clothing, my step mother stormed in spouting about how she can’t trust me as a business partner if she can’t trust me with this, my response being “laundry? Really?”  And her immediate course of action is to dramatically passive aggressively drive away to a nearby city where she has friends just to prove her point.

At this point she’s so dramatic, naggy, unreasonable, bitchy and anti-understanding that I have cried myself to sleep multiple times, and have thought of suicide a few times.  I’m not suicidal, but she has stressed me out so much to the point where my hair is falling out, I’m just not sure what to do.

I would just get a job and save up to move out, I know I haven’t mentioned this, but I have severe social anxiety as a result of my mother, which is what scares me so badly about getting a job.  I’ve gotten a few jobs, all of which ending in getting fired from not being social enough, which is honestly why I even have this account, because I’ve heard there are ways to develop a career writing here.

If you’ve actually read all of that, I apologize and thank you so, so, so much.

Papa bless.